I wanted a baby...instead I got lupus.

8 pregnancy tests.
10 if you count the ones taken at various Dr.'s appointments.

When you are 25, newly married and constantly complaining of nausea and fatigue, most logical people would make that assumption.

The past 10 months have brought more random sick days than I can afford. While it never occurred to me at the time, these weekend days I have spent curled up on the couch all showed the same symptoms.
Even on my honeymoon, the last 3 days spent curled up weak and nauseous on the couch were chalked up to "massage poisoning". Not drinking enough water after a deep tissue massage seemed a more likely,  explanation to severe joint pain, fatigue, nausea, muscle aches and a fever.

6 weeks ago, during Hubby's birthday getaway weekend, these symptoms came back.

We were out in Orlando, but I needed to cut our stay short and head home.

From this point on....I can't say things have become easier.

In this time I have gone through the cycles of grief, sometimes on a daily basis.
Work has been both a curse and a blessing during this time.
I am thankful to have reason to get out of bed everyday, no matter how difficult that has become, for friends who have surely noticed the change in my personality. I am blessed to be in a position with a large organization so that I am able to file for FMLA and I hope I am not terribly missed if I need to leave early.
But at the same time, I would give anything to work just ten hours less a week. To not have an hour commute each way, which honestly leaves me exhausted by the time I put my lunch in the fridge.

Coping with the changes I am having to make in my life has been an eye opening experience.
By writing about my journey, I am hoping to better understand myself and how I can use my passion for life, sense of humor and sheer determination to overcome the urge to just give up and and crawl into bed on most days.

So while I can't say a chronic illness has brought joy into my life like I imagined the news of a baby would,  it has brought the sleepless nights, doctors bills and morning sickness.

So... maybe one day... But for now I'm going to try to look for the bright side of this life changing situation.